The Mother and Nanny Relationship

A long time ago the mother and nanny relationship was looked at as a Mary Poppins scenario of a perfect nanny attending to well-mannered kids, with a well-to-do mother in the picture.

These days the mother-nanny relationship is emotionally complex and morally complicated as mothers return to their jobs while hiring others to take care of their children.

If you are going back to work and hiring a nanny, it is important to establish communication and trust for a positive work environment and a successful relationship for both sides.

As a mom you might already have enough guilt for spending time away from your child, and that’s where the complicated relationship starts with the needed nanny.
It is normal to feel like treating a nanny like family, but the fundamentals should be business-like as it is a job at the end of the day. Be clear with her as to what exactly you expect from her.

Treat her nicely and with respect. You might have an argument with your mom or sister for handling your child in a way you don’t approve, and they wouldn’t turn their back on you as they are your family.
A nanny, at the end of the day, is here to make a living and has difficult circumstances that led her to this job. You will be making a big mistake if you think that her love for your kids is what is motivating her in her job, and making her do more than she’s asked. Think of it as an office environment where the employees are willing to do extra effort for a boss they respect.

There have been a lot of incidents I have witnessed where the nanny is mistreated and have seen how mean the nanny can be with the kids as a response.
Put yourself in her shoes, you wouldn’t be motivated to do a good job, and might actually mess up and care less on purpose. The only person I feel sorry for in the scenario, is the child. In short, treat your nanny the way you would like her to treat your kid when you are away.
Mothers should not only ask questions of “what goes around in the house when I’m not there?”. You as a parent should do your job of finding out the answers. After leaving in the morning to your job, show up back home unannounced when she least expects you, and when your child is awake and active. You can sense that your child is comfortable, settled and feeling happy with this person, or not.
A lot of moms leave everything to the nanny, as if outsourcing their role as a mom to someone else. Being a good mom is not walking in, making sure everything is ok, setting rules, and walking out again while wishing everyone a good time. The one-on-one time spent with the kids is what matters. In your kid’s eyes you will just be a shadow with time, no matter how much he/she loves you.
Create boundaries around specific “mother-only tasks”. They could be activities like bath time or bed time stories. By being the sole person doing these activities the mother-child relationship can be enhanced lowering the intensity of the nanny-child connection.

Make sure to give the nanny a list of rules during their daytime activities when it comes to ‘mom’ being mentioned. For example, if a child asks to contact his mother, the nanny should let him/her do so. If the child asks for something that needs permission, the nanny should mention that ‘mom’ said it is or it is not ok to do it. On your weekend, ask your nanny to take a day off, and spend time with your kid attending to his/her every need, playtime, meals, and outings.

It is ‘ok’ if your child is happy when the nanny enters the room, and that they have a good time together. As long as you are back in the picture and there is no big deal when the nanny leaves. Your child loves you unconditionally and will always naturally choose you over her no matter how good the nanny is.